Prologue
The first time I saw her was like getting hit by a truck. I didn't expect to witness that kind of beauty so close, I was immediately disarmed. I had lied to her friend just to keep her away. But as soon as she sat down next to me, the single fact of her existence called my bluff. Minutes later I was declaring my undying love to her. She laughed and I loved her laugh.
I spent the night trying to be funny just to hear her laugh again. Those little explosions of pure happiness filled me up and made me walk on air. We held hands and for some reason, I closed my eyes and sensed her scent. It imprinted on me and I loved her scent. There was music and we danced. Our bodies touched and I loved her body. Then she kissed me and I loved her lips.
Act 1
As I walked to meet her the next day, my heart was pounding. I wanted to run just to get to her faster but instead, I got lost. When I finally found her she smiled at me and I loved her smile. I spent all my energy trying to act normal and not say something dumb. But I did and she didn't care. Instead she laughed and I loved her laugh again.
She did this thing with her lips whenever I came on to her. I swore to her I had never seen anything like it. She did it again and I loved her lips again.
She told me I bit her the night before and left a mark. She forgave me and I loved her forgiveness. She reminded me of all the things I had forgotten and I promised to remember them this time. We walked through the streets of Prague and I felt like we were in a movie. She held on to my arm while we paced the bridge. There were musicians playing "I fall in love too easily", how fucked up is that? I had been waiting and hoping and looking and chasing this feelings for so long but of course it couldn't be real. Maybe a distorted reality is just a necessity for me to feel free nowadays. Life just ain't like that.
Act 2
The last time I saw her things were a little different. Every time I told her I loved her she looked away and seemed sad. I wanted to hold her and let her know without words that everything was gonna be alright. She was just tired.
For her, being at peace was just enough. I was fed up with peace; I wanted war. I wanted to fight, get beaten up, break down in tears, shout I love you in the middle of a crowd, follow love wherever it would take me. Give it all and lose it all. Have nothing but love.
She ordered pineapple on our pizza and a side of fries, I told the italians at the next table to go fuck themselves. She laughed and I loved her laugh again.
We shared a cigarette and I loved the taste of her lips again.
I told her I loved her many times. And I know I don't, but I kinda do. Wasn't I there? Didn't I stay just to be with her, even if it was just for a single day? She said maybe I do and that made me sad. So maybe I do.
She held on to my arm again and I loved her again.
Act 3
I dragged my bag back to the train station, cursing those fucking sidewalks all the way. I bought a pack of cigarettes and I smoked looking at the pictures we took.
I stood there staring at the void and I could barely stand. All that fire and love I had experienced burnt a hole in my soul, violently consuming itself and slowly disappearing. There was an empty space where the love should have been. No hate either, no despair. I didn't know I would feel this way when I walked into this life. Happiness was supposed to be happy. If I had to love anyone, why couldn't it be her?
I closed my eyes and heard her laugh and I loved her again.
Then the train started rolling and I sat there staring out the window into the darkness.
Epilogue
In the larger scheme of things, however, my life is no longer just mine. My adventures are sugar coated and I only give in to despair on my spare time. I barely cry anymore, even as I remember her asking me to come see her again and me saying yes even though I knew I wouldn't.
I wanted to drink and get high. Get in a fight. Get arrested and thrown in jail. I wanted to spend the whole night remembering her and writing about her so I could keep the promise I made her.
But it's almost midnight and I need to pick up my kids tomorrow. Life starts again tomorrow. And that might be just fine.
