They say being a writer is, in itself, an act of bravery. It's standing in a crowd and shouting "hear me! for I have something to say". In this sense, I've always been a romantic writer.
Friends used to tell me, "Save your dignity. Have some self respect. Why put yourself down for a woman? Soon she won't even remember what you said."
Not many people have read my words. I do not care. I put thoughts into words not for them, but for me. I was grateful for the love and the heartbreak, the sweet memories and the bitter ones. My heart does not speak because it needs to be heard, just because it has something to say.
There's a song that makes me cry every time I listen to it. At first, because it reminded me of a love that was lost. Every time after that, because I knew I would never love that way again.
But that was before I met you.
It's been a while since my voice last trembled. I've grown older. Calmer. Numb. There's a deep sense of gloom in peace for people like me.
But that was before I met you.
I used to sit on my kitchen table with a bottle of whiskey. Listening to my heart, trying to find something worth putting on paper. I used to smoke cigarette after cigarette out on the balcony, staring at the darkness between the stars, wondering if that's where words go when they're left unspoken. Mourning the blank peace of paper on the kitchen table.
But that was before I met you.
I was often drunk back then. And I often cried. Life was full of colors, mostly dark but varied. Blue and green, my favorites. Blue eyes, green and brown. I used to look into them and search for love. Then I'd give it up or have it taken from me. Either way I'd cry. I'd write a letter and pin it to the wall. I was often dying back then. And often lonely. But mostly, alone. I'd pick up my bag and leave, just to find me drunk and dancing on some beach once the smoke cleared. Once I stayed for five years. Drunk and dancing on a beach somewhere out east for five whole years. I used to hide from the cops back then, and carry my guitar everywhere with me. I used to play and sing in front of people who didn't want to hear me sing. Silence is overrated. I'd drink and laugh with old friends. I used to have friends back then. Now they're old friends at most. That's something people say when they get old. "My old friend". It means they're not your friend any longer, but you're still fond of the memories. I was so proud of my memory, I never took any photos. "I'd rather pay attention and remember this", I used to say.
But that was before I met you.
I have a picture of you I keep in my wallet, with the light kissing your shoulders, the way I used to do. The way I got used to. I stare at the back of your head and feel your scent again. And your taste of lychee and ice.
But that was before you left.
Now you can't hear me, but I still have something to say. I want to say thank you. For finding me. For giving me the kind of love I thought I would never feel again. And I want to tell you how much I love your eyes, your lips, your neck and your tits. Just like the song.
"And somehow communicate some of the overwhelming, undying, overpowering, unconditional, all-encompassing, heart enriching, mind expanding, ongoing, never-ending love I have for you."
